[USML Announce] This Morning's USML News

[Blocker, Mark B.]

Berliners Puzzled By New Standings

  (Chicago):  Berliner owner Jeff Winick was perplexed after reading the
morning USML standings, which find his slumping team now just four points
ahead of the once-left-for-dead Block's Bombers.

  "I don't get it," quipped Winick, "The guy did not even get Greinke in
that deal with Kerber.  How can his damn team be so close in the standings
without Greinke?  Klein must have something to do with this.  If Blocker
passes me, I'll have some major PR spinning to do."  

  Winick has been particularly vocal of late about Bomber trades made
earlier in the year that Winick had derided as "dump" deals and "lopsided."
As recently as two weeks ago, Winick was cackling that the Bomber motto was
"Drive for Five," referring to an expected fifth place finish for the
Bombers.   But Winick's constant chattering now finds him in the
uncomfortable position of watching the Bomber Express blow right by him just
weeks after loudly criticizing the recent spate of Bomber dealings.  Winick
may be wondering aloud if the sign in the rearview mirror of his
Lamborghini, the one that says "Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear," may
have some significance beyond his pricey set of wheels.  The embarrassment
potential is at an all-time high in WinickLand.

  "This just can't be happening," said Winick from the worldwide
headquarters of the Berliners in Wrigleyville.  "Where is Brad when I need
him?"

  The controversy has now caught the attention of observers at the national
level.  Ron Shandler, the noted Roto Scribe and the guiding force behind
Winick Ball, even noted that Winick's place in the Masters League could be
in jeopardy.  "Yeah, we heard about it," he was quoted as saying in the
Sandlot Shrink about the narrow deficit between Berliners and Bombers.  "And
yeah, we are concerned too.  We can't have one of our Masters losing to a
team like the Bombers.  That guy never wins.  If Jeff gets passed by the
Bombers, you really have to re-evaluate."  

  Some have wondered if Shandler's comments were the product of the
Winick-Shandler tiff that ensued earlier this year after Winick, on direct
orders from Shandler, waived Jake Westbrook, now a Cy Young contender.
Shandler has clung to his earlier statements that "Jeff did that on his own.
See what happens when he doesn't listen to me."

  Look for further updates as the week unfolds.


  

  

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