[USML Announce] USML Commissioner to Launch Probe of Missing Damon

[Brad Jansen]

The Nukes' mysterious failure to produce the beloved Damon Trophy at
Saturday's draft has raised more than a smattering of eyebrows.
Commissioner Mark Blocker today announced that the Nukes better deliver the
Trophy...or else.  "Rumors are rampant that Nukes owner Mark Kerber sold the
Damon before Christmas in order to cover the burgeoning costs associated
with his Holiday Card mailings.  We all need an answer and soon, before the
Illinois legislature gets involved.  I expect a full and adequate accounting
from Kerbs before the All-Star Break.  Furthermore, I am forming a
subcommittee to organize something a little more special to honor our League
champions.  It's always a special moment when a team other than the Riptorns
wins and I want appropriate recognition paid to the winner--at least that
way I'll be able to give a speech since it's unlikely that I'll ever
win--but we shouldn't give such shirt shift to our champions.  I was
particularly perturbed  by the number  of owners  getting up  to  get  a
doughnut  or  use the washroom  while  Mr.  Gammons  tried  to deliver  his
speech  (text to  be made available  on-line via  TQ Stats).  I  was
especially  appalled  at Shabelman's  constant  gagging."

On a happier note, Berliner Jeffrey Winick has offered to pose for a
replacement action figure if indeed the Damon is lost.  "I've got dozens of
molds already made," exclaimed the winsome Winick.  "They just never seem to
place my protective cup in the right spot..."
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