[USML Announce] Panning For A Heart of Gold: We Read Jeffrey Winick's Fantasy Baseball Guide 2008, So You Don't Have To

[Brad Jansen]

Well, guys, it took less time to read this $6.99 "guide" to JHW's literary
laziness than it did to schedule our draft date (and when are we doing this?
June?).

As a favor to you, Dear Reader, I list for your edification Jeffrey Winick's
"pans"...but  first I must note that JHW's contributions this season are
pretty minimal, kind of like John Lennon's toward the end of the Beatles,
when he was dealing with Yoko and smack and all that.  The difference,
unfortunately, is that Lennon usually showed some spark of genius, whereas
with Winick we must contend with rehashed lyrics and melodies (singing the
praises of Brandon Wood [ed. note: Riptorns, $2], Winick writes of his
"light tower power that should translate into 40+ home runs," lines we've
heard from him so many many times before).  But I digress...that was a rare
"pick," so without further ado...
...here are the Pans of Winick:

  HITTERS
      Baldelli (that's refreshing; at least the guy's on  JHW's team, with a
L-T  contract no less)
      Barfield (no brainer)
      J. Clement (safe move, now that he's off JHW's team)

 PITCHERS
     J. Bonderman
     Clay Buchholz (surprised  JHW didn't try  getting this guy from me,
since his "pan"  calls Clay "an incredibly talented young pitcher"--as I
said, these blurbs aren't teeming with originality this year)
      A.J. Burnett (no wonder JHW hurriedly agreed to lunch at the Goat--so
he could dump this guy on me before the mag's publication date)
      Felix Hernandez (sorry, Rich, the coronation for this "work in
progress" is just gonna have to wait)

And that's all he wrote: cliched, refried riffs and hackneyed  expressions
as tired as the scowling image of the 2007 USML Champion that appears to
frightening effect on page 4.  Perhaps all those celebrations of the "better
than one victory" per year Jeffrey averages (according to *his *self-penned
bio, anyway) have finally taken their toll.  Maybe next year Jeffrey won't
phone in his analysis from a chaise lounge next to a Scottsdale swimming
pool while some underpaid "personal assistant" rubs sunscreen on his inner
thighs.  But the sad fact is that it's time to come to terms with JHW's
diminished talents and to stop hoping for a bigger bang for your buck.
You're better off sneaking a peak at Kerber's cheat sheets on draft date
when he's off taking a wizz....not that *I've *ever done that....

--Lester Bangs
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