[USML Announce] Balfour Grants Riptorns' Wish

[Brad Jansen]

*ITEM*
 A's right-hander Grant Balfour is scheduled to undergo right knee surgery
to repair a torn meniscus Thursday afternoon, leaving Oakland without its
closer for approximately four to six weeks.

*LOSER*
 Berliners. Spurned in off-season efforts to trade fringe closer Grant
Balfour, Berliners were banking on him to anchor 2013 bullpen. With the
closer's career in jeopardy  cold-hearted Winick now *WILL CUT THE CORD.*
*
*
*WINNER*
* *Riptorns. Flamethrower Ryan Cook (5) will regain 9th-inning role and
will not relinquish it this time around. Rippers now wait for Mariano
Rivera to announce plans so they can decide how long to extend David
Robertson's contract as team's *FOUNDATION IS SETTLING.*
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