[USML Announce] A Public Service Announcement from Barry Bonds

[jhwinick at aol.com]

Barry Bonds broke his long silence regarding his purported steriod abuse by release the following statement:
 
"I want to make a public service announcement.  As I have told you before, I rely on legal supplements to allow me to achieve a level of athletic performance at my age that is unprecedented in the history of man.  However, it has come to my attention that my chosen supplements have a wickedly adverse side effect - they completely cloud baseball judgement.  
 
Out of my concern for my fellow man, I seek out those who could also benefit from use of my supplements.  I encountered a truly needy case in one Brad Lee Jansen.  My buddy Ozzie called me up and told me that he kept seeing this poor fellow who looked thoroughly disenchanted.  Best he could tell the guy was missing the excitement and life affirming joy of playing rotisserie baseball.  I asked one of my possee to send Brad Lee a few of my special pills and within days the guy was a new man.  He called me up to let me know that he had snapped out of the malaise and thanked me profusely for giving him what he needed to get back into rotisserie baseball.
 
However, shortly thereafter I was advised of trade between Brad Lee and some fellow named Kobbins or Bobbins or something like that.  Historically, the guy had apparently been no match whatsoever for the wiles of Brad Lee.  In this case, however, the guy absolutely raped my new friend.  Cabrera and Morales (in the second year of his contract) for a whole boat of productive players including an ace keeper in Aaron Boone?  And then I saw this in my morning briefing report:
 
The Indians placed Fernando Cabrera (P) Cle on the 15-day DL with a bad heel on Saturday to make room on the roster for rookie Fausto Carmona, who was Saturday's starter, according to the AP.

 
The horror of it all.  As if the trade itself wasn't bad enough.  And then it hit me.  Those stupid denials I made to the grand jury?  My poor public image?  The fact that I've let some stupid bimbo get me in trouble with the law?  Its the damned supplements.  I mean if they could cause the (formerly) great Brad Lee Jansen to make a trade of this sort, its no wonder they've caused me to do all the stupid things I've done.  
 
So - please - STAY OFF THE SUPPLEMENTS.  And for those of you in the rotisserie league with Brad Lee - I beg you to take it easy on the guy until he can get back on his feet.  I've sent him some new pills that I'm sure will solve the problem. 
 
-----Original Message-----
From: Brad Jansen <bljansen at gmail.com>
To: USML Announcements <announce at usml.net>
Sent: Sat, 15 Apr 2006 19:14:59 -0500
Subject: [USML Announce] Riptorns' Easter Day Sale


Dear Friends and Fellow Travelers:
    It has been several days since I've done a deal and have nothing to transmit to usmltrans by noon tomorrow...please help me, and read carefully these humble words:  I know from time to time I've exchanged messages, offers and counter-offers for Jeremy Bonderman.  I know his early season numbers are not overly impressive (except Ks, of course), but you are not trading for  his past numbers, you're trading  for  what  he  can  give  you  this year and beyond for that matter, given his modest $16  contract.   On  many rosters  he would  ugrade  your  3rd  starting  pitcher slot!  So think  about an offer  for  Bonderman  under  which  you trade  me  some schlub  P  back  and  a  keeper--you'll  get JB and a 2nd player back from  me,  the  player  determined  by  roster/salary  floor  needs.   So  think  of a  player  you  seriously  would trade  for  Bonderman  and write or call.   Let's  get  this done before  the  Resurrection or the Revelation or the Restoration or whatever. 

 Thank you for taking the time to read this...and thank you for  being my friends (at least while I have a player you want).
Brad Lee Badfinger 

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