[USML Announce] SHABES ANNOUNCES MOVE TO "STRONGER COMPETITION"!

[Andy Klein]

  SHABES CONQUERS USML; PLANS MOVE TO ?STRONGER COMPETITION?
    
   GLENVIEW,  IL - When Brad Sachs attended the 2006 USML draft, most observers viewed him as a mere insurance policy.  ?I figured he was only there to finish a bid in case Shabelman retched ,? Buddha said.
    
   Today, however, league officials learned that Sachs was much more.  In a statement faxed to USML headquarters, Shabelman announced Sachs as the new lead owner of the Angry Young Men.
    
    ?The USML has become too easy for me,? Doug said.  ?I need stronger competition.?
    
   Shabelman?s decision comes on the heels of his fleecing the Block?s Bombers.
    
   ?Thank God I could text Blocker on my Blackberry,? Shabelman said in an exclusive interview.  ?That way, he couldn?t see me doubling over with laughter when he actually took my offer seriously.
    
   ?I knew that Klein had offered Coco Crisp ? a young .300 hitter with power and speed, batting leadoff in Boston.  Obviously, my roster had nothing to compete.  So, just for the hell of it, I threw out Nick Swisher?s name.  I mean, who cares that he hit .236 last year.  Or that he was a .260 hitter in more than 1000 minor league at-bats.  Or that he is mired in a massive slump even as we speak.  The only thing that mattered to Blocker was his label as a ?Winick Pick? in Fantasy Forecaster Magazine.  Man, it was like taking candy from a baby.?
    
   Shabelman paused to catch his breath.  ?I?m too good for this league,? he chuckled.  ?Next year, I?ve got to find a real challenge.?
    
   Despite repeated efforts, Andy Klein could not be reached for comment.  League sources believe he is pounding his head on his desk, weeping uncontrollably.