FW: [USML Announce] I'm A Berliner--Get Me Out Of Here!

Mon Apr 27 13:23:27 EDT 2009

Brad,

As we discussed, at times like these you really need to relax, take a few deep breaths and focus on the many blessings in your life.? Really, its just rotisserie and I don't think your office mates will understand when you explain?the reason for the tears.? Sure, you're about to be beaten by Mark Blocker in a year where, unlike me, you actually intended to compete.??And I think we can both agree that given Mr. B's track record, that's sort of like losing out to Dick Cheney in the ACLU Man of the Year Contest when the two of you were the only choices.? But, again, focus on what's important and this too shall pass.? Mind you, it will be hard to forget that in your first concerted effort to return to the former glories of the Riptorn franchise that you lost out to Mark "Drive for Five" Blocker, a guy who hasn't won since the Reagan administration.? But, never forget that I'm here to support you.

I've got feelers out to Jim to see what it will take to get Kerry Wood, but I like my chances.? Let's see what we can get done.

Your friend,

Jeff

From:????? bljansen at hotmail.com
To:????????? jhwinick at aol.com
Subject:? HELP ME!!

Jeffrey, 

Would you please do something about Mark Blocker.? He's being really mean.? I'm suffering?and this whole shtick with me pretending to post your words just doesn't seem to be generating the same kind of response that it used to.? You have a particular way of getting on Mark's nerves and I really could use some help.??How about you come up with another PT/KR or a "Drive for Five" or some other witty means of bugging him.? At this rate, I'll be out of the race before it ever really gets started.? I know, I know, I could actually trade one of my real players like Longoria, but somehow that doesn't seem fair when Mark has loaded up by trading the likes of David Price and his 3.71 ERA in Triple AAA (by the way, did you see the line on his outing yesterday?? 

?

?

Price, David

?

3.1

?

4

?

3

?

3

?

4

?

5

?

3.71

?

L (1-2)

and your boy Wieters - nursing various injuries and with 13k's in 37 at bats.

I did see that Brandon Wood got activated and you know how hot and bothered I get at the prospect of having a kid named Wood on my team.? I'm considering dumping this year to end the pain, but you'd have to include Wood?in any deal.? What do you think?? Heck, if you can get Kerry Wood, I'll trade you anyone other than Alexi Ramirez and Evan Longoria.? Just think of it, I could change the name of the team to the Woodies.? It gives me a woody just thinking about it.? Let me know.

Please call me.? But I'm still a little teary over Mark's mean message this morning, so give me a few minutes.

Brad Lee "Badfinger"

-----Original Message-----
From: Brad Jansen <bljansen at gmail.com>
To: USML Announcements <announce at usml.net>
Sent: Mon, 27 Apr 2009 12:29 pm
Subject: [USML Announce] I'm A Berliner--Get Me Out Of Here!

Dear Brother Mark:

?? If only I could stand toe-to-toe with you when it comes to caustic composition, but alas, like our baseball teams, I fall short in that sport as well.

?? But please let me state that if you took a moment to look at rosters other than your own, as glorious as it is, you would know that Felix Pie is not a Riptorn, but?a Berliner.??There is no need to react so defensively?to Jeffrey's essay about Corky (not Corkie) Miller.?Contrary to your?musings,?Jeffrey's missive was not some thinly-veiled intent to "pump-and-dump" any Riptorn talent, including Corky.? The Riptorns know quite well their place in the USML; given that it is a distant?4th, you may rest assured that they are not?"pumping-and-dumping" any of their players,?whose value in any event could never compare to that of Messrs. Wieters and Price.??

?? Now, please, wash your hands, cover your mouth when you cough and don't touch me.

Regards,

Brother Brad

?

On 4/27/09, Blocker, Mark B. <mblocker at sidley.com> wrote: 

So Brad, I see that with June right around the corner, you have already begun the pump-and-dump talk about the value-less players you would like to unload now (Corkie, Pie, others?), to be followed -- I am certain -- by the pump-and-dump about the collection of deep, deep, deep minor leaguers sitting on your reserve roster -- none of whom are guys like Wieters and Price who will be up in the majors shortly, and whose value, if any, is in the way distant future.

?

Let me help you out here, free of charge.? The reason you are lamenting what you call a "boring" season is that you are not offering in trade any of the real major leaguers on your roster that might draw some modest interest (by the way, over at Bombers Central, we think this is the least boring season in years).? If you want to do that, go ahead and see if you can make things interesting.? If not, dial me up and I can help you ease your pain for this year.? 

?

? -- Mark B.

?

P.S.? Did you see that Masterson lad throwing his 95 mph smoke last night?? Or were you too busy focusing on his 2.76 ERA and 1.28 WHIP?? 

From: announce-bounces at usml.net [mailto:announce-bounces at usml.net] On Behalf Of Brad Jansen
Sent: Monday, April 27, 2009 9:49 AM
To: USML Announcements
Subject: [USML Announce] Corky's Revenge: A Miller's Tale, by Jeffrey Winick

?

?? Dear lads, I know how boring this season is becoming, but never fear I am hear to amuse and enlighten you with an occasional portrait of unsung roto heroes.? (And never mind my quest to get a single point in each roto category.)

?

?? Today I want to talk ever so briefly about Riptorns backstop Corky Miller. As you know, I am quite the expert on catchers.? After all, why?would I possibly trade the likes of Vernon Wells and Maggs Ordonez for a minor league catcher if I didn't think he'd be twice as good as as that other hot catching prospect, Jeff Clement--and, at $3 more in salary,?Matt the Bat Wieters?better?be twice as good.

?

?? You know, I used to mock the Riptorns' strategy of spending $2-$4 on crappy catchers at the draft, then?blowing another $15 in FAAB to replace them.? But this year, I understand the wisdom of their ways.? Look at Corky Miller, please.? With a torso even wider than White Sox legend Mark "Chief" Salas, Corky may not be pretty on the eyes, but his numbers sure look good in the stat column.? One-tenth of the season has passed us by, yet Mr. Miller still retains a robust .333 batting average, having tallied 4 runs?while driving in 3.??Compare those numbers to those of Joltin' Joe Mauer, let alone my Matt Wieters. The man can rake.? And it's these type of players?that make it fun to comb the box score every week or so, looking?hopefully for a contribution by...an unsung roto hero.

?

? On Deck:?Felix Pie: What Can I Say?

?

? And that is all.

???????? Jeffrey H. Winick??

?

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