[USML Announce] Grim Story For Bad News Berliners

[Jansen, Brad]

Yesterday the Cubbies and Winick Berliners both got some troubling news. The Cubs saw their lowest turnout in years and the Berliners plummeted to their lowest point total (25) in the storied history of the USML, the worst ever stumble from first to worst. 

"You cannot keep trading away prospects like Wieters and Wood each year and expect no cracks in your team's foundation," explained New Roto God Andrew Klein. "I directed one of my teaching assistants to analyze the numbers. Unless Winick can convince the Bombers --the only team that says it's dumping right now and, in any event, the only team that should be dumping right now--to part with Cano, Cabrera, Romero and Rivera  this week, then this much is certain: the Berliners will be sellers, not buyers, this season.  And that development has enormous consequences for teams that have touted prospects, unlike mine, which means I  soon too shall drop in the standings like a fallen Roto God, just like the archangel Jeffrey. 

"But hear me out. If Ron Shandler ever caught wind that the Berliners live in the League's basement with a mere 25 points, he'd recall that blasted fantasy magazine and cut Winick's face from each of the ten issues he sold. But what did Jeffrey expect, retaining the likes of Crawford and Rios at those ridiculous salaries, spending $75 on Porcello, Verlander and Lester and praying that Edwin Encarnancion's numbers would cover for the woeful offensive deficiencies displayed by his entire infield? I can't buy that strategy. Let Winick pay the bill for his delusional strategies. 

"So it's a grim reckoning for the defending champions. But it's a day of audacity and hope for the rest of us. I shall continue to enjoy my shining moment until the shadows cross my place in the standings, knowing that the emporer, wearing no clothes, has fallen off the high horse. Now on to my torts class. "