[USML Announce] 2011 Campaign About Over, Still No Call

[Brad Jansen]

With 160 out of 162 precincts reporting, the Rips have locked down 5th
place, edging out the Bombers in a race that turned once the Rips
acquired Mike Moustakas from the LMC and traded Trevor Cahill to the Bombers
for Robinson Cano.

"By every measure I am pleased with the Riptorns' accomplishments this
year," remarked Brad Jansen. "We set out to start the season with nine
pitchers. Done. We wanted to stay in the race long enough to advance
our fantasy baseball creationism agenda. Done. We wanted some cheap keeps
and a fifth place finish to nab the first round pick in '12. Double-Done. We
couldn't catch Trout so we fished for Carp. Done."

All that remains is the traditional concession call from the defeated
opposition. So far, it has not happened. Said Brad: "Look, I know that Andy
Klein called Rich to concede first place as soon as Rich acquired Verlander
and Lester--and Andy had a twenty point lead at the time. I also know that
Andy this morning asked his assistant to get Jim Barrett on the line. I
expect an announcement will be made shortly.

"But Mark's Mark and I'm not going to sit by the phone all day. He pulled
down the shades and closed the shop weeks ago, so at this point I don't
expect to hear from him. Heck, I think Harold Washington is still waiting
for Bernie Epton's call. We'll just move forward with our celebration and
enjoy some free time with the family. It's been a long season. I'm
just gonna relax a spell before I resume ghostwriting Jeffrey Winick's
fantasy magazine columns."
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