[USML Announce] Letter to the Producer of Roto Rooter

[Andrew R. Klein]

Dear Mr. Winick:

 

Given your status as a nationally-recognized (indeed, pixilated) author, I
would expect your staff to engage in better fact-checking before allowing
guests like Brad Jansen to perpetuate scurrilous lies on your show.  

 

As you could have learned with just a bit of investigation, Mr. Jansen
offered Corey Patterson to the Klein Nine for Casey Kotchman - not the other
way around.  I promptly accepted the offer, only to receive a bizarre
message in response.  The message was somewhat muffled, but went something
like this:  "Um, I really need to check with Mike on this one ... I mean,  I
checked with Mike and he said no ... ummm, I mean, I need $2 more salary
even though I'm well above the cap ... so, you have to give me Mike Napoli,
too."

 

I screamed, stomped my feet, held my breath, and then caved in.  Now the
Riptorns own one of the AL's best catchers at $5.

 

The real story is that USML is again under siege.  C.O.P.S. willing, the
stronger members of our league will be able to stop the reign of terror this
time around.  You should be with us, Mr. Winick, not against us.  

 

Sincerely,

 

Andy Klein

Owner, Klein Nine

C.O.P.S. Member since 2006

 

 

 

  _____  

From: announce-bounces at usml.net [mailto:announce-bounces at usml.net] On Behalf
Of Brad Jansen
Sent: Sunday, July 02, 2006 11:35 AM
To: USML Announcements
Subject: [USML Announce] While Klein Nine Slumber, Rips Take a Nice Napoli

 

"It all started off so innocently," recalled the ever-reticent  Riptorns
CEO Brad Jansen on Jeffrey Winick's late night cable show Roto Rooter.
"Klein was badgering me for Corey Patterson and offered up the infirm Casey
Kotchman.  I was more than happy to accomodate Andy because he was really
upset and hurt about my deals with the Red Hots and Nukes.  I told Andy I
needed a boost to my salary floor to make the deal happen.  When he scoffed
at Zumaya for Hansen, we came up with Shoppach for Napoli.  I wasn't too
pleased because it only added $3 to my floor but I must tell you I'm quite
happy now." 

Winick agreed that this could very well be the sleeper deal of the decade.
"Napoli has cut down on the strikeouts and shortened his swing.  And look at
the power numbers: ten taters before the A-S Break, second only to Ramon
Hernandez among AL catchers.  This man is a power hitting catcher, even
rarer these days than a reliable closer.  I never doubted that Andy Klein
wore blinders when it came to appreciating the talents and abilities of
other teams' players...I didn't want to think until now that he knew as
little about his own players...and now where does this find him?  Trading
mediocrity like Johnny Gomes for the likes of Johnny Damon. A pitiful way to
fight for fourth place, and I can only pray that the reading public never
catches a glimpse of him with my baseball fantasy magazine--it would
devastate my sales...."        

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