Jeff,
You have hurt me deeply, suggesting that I have at any point begun to act on Brad’s behalf. What next — accusing me of writing like him? While you may poke fun at me and my languishing squad of underachievers, I will not tolerate attacks on my friend and Roto Genius Emeritus Bradlee Jansen. He has done nothing to deserve these sort of vituperative attacks, and certainly has done nothing to be included in your sardonic e-mails that contain thinly veiled references to the solitary year of the 18 years thus far in which my team finished four places behind the winner. Now get thee to a confessional, Tribe membership notwithstanding, and acknowledge your sins. I must go now, for the cause of the COPS cannot be derailed by Brandon-Wood-toting nonmembers.
— Deeply bereaved, Mark B.
P.S. In honor of your trade, should Brandon Wood henceforth be known as “Wood-rod”?