“Forget all the blathering about how much someone will dip into his FAAB to acquire Carlos Lee,” wheezed the overheated Jeffrey Winick. “The real news of the day is that the runaway train known as the reborn Riptorns gets back on track tonight, with two of today’s best young players now playing full-time for the Cleveland Indians. You already know that speedster Shin-Soo Choo has claimed his rightful spot in the Tribe’s OF. And I just received word that hot-hitting Andy Marte, a former Berliners prospect, has been recalled to man the hot corner from now until Jansen trades him back to me when I start dumping next March.
“It will be difficult to watch the superstar shine before my eyes, only days after parting with him, but I know it’s for the best, him being on Brad Lee’s team. But I tell you–Marte has the purest, sweetest, unsullied home run stroke I have ever salivated over, either awake or asleep. Please–who amongst you has that MLB package deal? You must invite me over so I can watch tonight’s game. I’ll even bring my own change of clothes, I promise….”