“Don’t think for a moment that my genius is spent only on managing *my*championship team,” intoned the wizened Jeffrey Winick, as he spread sun tan lotion over his pale forehead at a local, undisclosed spa. “Look, to get to the top….and to remain there, it’s absolutely essential to scout other teams. And today, I want to note the fact that the Rips are assembling an array of closer talent. the likes of which this league has never seen. It’s not only the AL’s next Mariano Rivera, the $2 Neftali Feliz, that I stupidly traded away. But look at who else they have acquired: the $5 Chris Perez, a flamethrower who already demonstrated his prowess when Kerry Wood was disabled earlier this season; a $5 Sergio Santos, groomed for closer duties so he’s primed for the pump once Jenks gets traded to the Phillies. And now look at who they acquired: the Royals’ replacement for Soria, once he gets traded, the one and only Blake Wood ($5). This talented youngster sports a .190 Ba against, a 0.75 WHIP and a microscopic ERA.
“That’s an awesome array of arms to complement the undervalued likes of Brett Anderson, Trevor Cahill and Gio Gonzalez (i.e., the A’s best starting pitchers). And if things don’t start improving for my club, I very well may look to dump for some of these guys.
“That is all, except I need to remind everyone to enjoy Memorial Day and get ready to move your minor leaguers.”