In response to Commissioner Blocker’s message earlier this week, here is my submission for the “Brad Jansen Writing Competition”.
ANGRY NO MORE: YOUNG MEN CLINCH 2006 USML TITLE!
GLENVIEW, ILLINOIS – In a stunning series of moves, the Angry Young Men clinched their first-ever USML title. A proud, yet humble Doug Shablemanania explained: “It used to frustrate me that my team sucked. I studied Winick’s moves. I taped a picture of Brad Jansen on my bedroom mirror. But nothing worked. Then, finally, it came to me. Those guys don’t know squat. I mean, Brad-Lee trades all his guys in April for a bunch of middle relievers. What’s that all about? And then Winick trades A-Rod for some minor league infielder. I figured it was time to get in on the action!!”
Noted USML analyst, Mark Kerber congratulated Doug. “It’s nice to see the Young Men capture the Damon,” Kerber intoned. “With 2006 over, I?m already game-planning for 2007. I figure that Jansen and Winick will flip a coin to see who dumps again. Think about it. If they’re not on “opposite years”, who else will trade for all their crappy minor leaguers?”
Only Squid owner Jim Barrett rained on the Young Men’s parade. “For Doug it’s Christmas in April,” Jim grumbled. “But what about me? All I got was Keith Foulke and the silicon injections in his knees. I’ll be damned if I ever trade with Jansen again.”
Andy De-Klein could not be reached for comment. Sources inside the Nine organization believe that he is busy exploring ways to spend his fourth-place prize money.