The Rips and Red Hots are pleased to announce that the Riptorns parted ways with Jacoby Ellsbury and Robb Quinlanto acquire Paul Konerko from the Red Hots.
“This trade reflects the Rips’ tradition of acquiring favorite White Sox players as well as their boredom writing songs about Andy Klein’s vain efforts to catch the Hoosier Daddies and fending off insulting trade offers,” explained Rips’ spokesman and facilitator Jeffrey Winick. “As for the Red Hots, anyone who knows Rich knows he loves those Boston Beans. And Ellsbury sure is one of them.”
Added Jansen: “The Rips have better keepers than anyone. I’m sick of reading about guys like Price, Fields and Danks, etc. being on the trading block for decent, everyday, hardworking, breadwinning ballplayers for chrissakes. I make deals, not conduct bogus auctions. If you are as bored as I am and want to make deals then step up or shut up. This deal took 3 minutes, or less time than it takes for cicadas to copulate. Sorry, kids. Ask your dads what I’m talking about. Klein certainly knows about screwing people over. And Andy, a Shout Out to you: as soon as I knock Winick out of the race, I’ll be looking for you right around the bend. Good luck shopping your boy Josh Fields. Sheesh.”