A somber Jeffrey Winick issued a terse announcement following the tragic death today of Anna Nicole Smith:
“In many ways the fortunes and feints of my beloved Berliners have followed the mercurial career arc of the beloved Playboy model, occassional stripper, E! celebrity and weight-loss spokesmodel Anna Nicole Smith. Anna had J. Howard Marshall, a senile old man with incalculable wealth who doted on Anna and left her his fortune, infuriating his beleagured son in the process….and I, I have Brad Jansen, who cannot bestow his treasures upon me fast enough, much to the consternation of my fellow owners and displeasure of Brad’s oldest male heir Conor M. Jansen. Thank god nobody wants a piece of my DNA but nevertheless both J. Howard and Anna are now gone. At least I still have Brad Lee and, I am duly assured, Brad Lee still has his old Playboys….
“Life must go on and I must always be true to myself. So, dear Anna, this year I shall stop at nothing to achieve the wealth that awaits the team that finishes first. And I shall raise my engorged Damon in your honor, you hot, curvaceous, sometimes overly Rubenesque babe, you. And that is all.”