Riptorns’ 1996 USML Projections

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    • #2559
      Brad Jansen

      Dear Fellow Owners:

      As many of you know, Mike Rogers and I shall leave the FDIC May 31, 1996. We joined the FDIC in late 1991 to help fulfill its statutorily mandated mission to liquidate in an expeditious manner the assets of failed banks. Well, you know how expeditious federal agencies can be; that’s why we’re still here.

      Nevertheless, even the FDIC recognizes when it has too much of a good thing; consequently, our appointments expire this month. The loss of our jobs also means the loss of our ability to communicate with you via electronic mail. We do not know when or if we will resume electronic communication with you. So, please: don’t forget us in your hearts or minds. If you want to communicate with us, do it the old-fashioned way: use the phone.

      Since Mike and I expect to be somewhat busy these Final Days (either goofing off or continuing our efforts to find employment), I have taken this opportunity to make the following Formal Statement as well as my Predictions–’96. Understand that as I compose these words I sit here visibly emotional, surrounded by colleagues waiting to remove furniture from my office:

        		"Our time to leave the FDIC has come, and we will seek
      	new employment with nothing to fall back on but the judgment of
      	the unemployment office, some accrued annual leave and last year's 
      	USML winnings...and nowhere to go but to a new job or your homes...
      		...we will then stand before you without an office or
      	employment, a private citizen, a Riptorn, a Rotisserean, just a man."

      And now, my predictions, borne of careful analysis, gut reaction and sheer boredom:

      10th place: Red Hots.
      Brief comment: great farm system for back-up catchers, little else. Confusing Albie Lopez for Chad Ogea in trade with
      Winick didn’t help.
      Positives: owner is nice guy. Jeff Suppan and Bartolo Colon.
      Negatives: owner too busy at work to concentrate on this more important stuff. Offerman at 1B.

      9th place: Block’s Bombers
      Brief comment: Life ain’t dandy without Randy. Jimmy also looks off-Key. Not enough offensive punch to bail out the Blockers.
      Positives: owner made partner.
      Negatives: owner too busy at work to concentrate on team (e.g., witness waiver claim of Jeff Ware Out Your Team ERA).

      8th place: Angry Young Men
      Brief comment: They may be angry, they may be young, but they ain’t men, Honey.
      Positives: Nice bullpen. Trade a closer, advance a few points. Owner made partner.
      Negatives: Won’t treat Dave Hollins with respect. Too busy at work. Angel Miranda on active roster.

      7th place: Nukes
      Brief comment: Radke, Reyes and Gordon.
      Positives: Canseco and Mitchell will be fun for a few innings a stretch.
      Negatives: see brief comment. Should have traded Lee Smith before co-owners got wise.

      6th place: Rothmaniacs
      Brief comment: We await the Activation of Curtis Pride.
      Positives: Could compete if Stanton does steal some saves from Slocumb, but a few too many slugs on that active roster.
      Negatives: why didn’t you let the Riptorns draft Kevin Gross for a buck? Think of where you’d be!!

      5th place: Hoosier Daddies
      Brief comment: Team could be dangerous, but puh-leeze: Hale? Brandenburg? Give me some of that free agent dough, bro!
      Positives: drafted Julio Valera when no one wanted him.
      Negatives: should have traded Valera to me when I still wanted him…

      4th place: Riptorns
      Brief comment: Hey, it’s my list. Besides, we’ll find a way…
      Positives: unemployment compensation lasts 26 weeks, enough to fund frenzied free agent bids and waiver claims to make late-season surge. Mariano Rivera will displace Wetteland, Sadler gets called up and steals a ton and…who am I kiddin…
      Negatives: if Wojo, Grimsley and Prieto fail to make 4 innings per start, doomed to last place in each pitching category.

      3rd place: Marked/Market
      Brief comment: loss of Langston may actually help–he’ll have his usual solid 1st-half perfotmance a tad later, that’s all.
      Positives: fun to watch guys who’s BA is almost as low as my team.
      Negatives: should have traded Guzman while Guzman still hot. No closer, no Prize. Talk to me, babe.

      2nd place: Klein Nein
      Brief comment: Acre? Crabtree? Man, you are a Southerner…
      Positives: Mussina. Offense to burn.
      Negatives: If Cone gone, get behind Marked/Market.

      1st place: Win-Ick Berliners
      Brief comment: why not? I’m sure he puts himself here, too.
      Positives: Already a partner for awhile. Time to spend on this stuff.
      Negatives: If Baldwin remains your best pitcher, drop to 3rd.

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