USML Commissioner to Launch Probe of Missing Damon

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    • #2659
      Brad Jansen

      The Nukes’ mysterious failure to produce the beloved Damon Trophy at Saturday’s draft has raised more than a smattering of eyebrows. Commissioner Mark Blocker today announced that the Nukes better deliver the Trophy…or else.  “Rumors are rampant that Nukes owner Mark Kerber sold the Damon before Christmas in order to cover the burgeoning costs associated with his Holiday Card mailings.  We all need an answer and soon, before the Illinois legislature gets involved.  I expect a full and adequate accounting from Kerbs before the All-Star Break.  Furthermore, I am forming a subcommittee to organize something a little more special to honor our League champions.  It’s always a special moment when a team other than the Riptorns wins and I want appropriate recognition paid to the winner–at least that way I’ll be able to give a speech since it’s unlikely that I’ll ever win–but we shouldn’t give such shirt shift to our champions.  I was particularly perturbed  by the number  of owners  getting up  to  get  a doughnut  or  use the washroom  while  Mr.  Gammons  tried  to deliver  his speech  (text to  be made available  on-line via  TQ Stats).  I  was especially  appalled  at Shabelman’s  constant  gagging.”

      On a happier note, Berliner Jeffrey Winick has offered to pose for a replacement action figure if indeed the Damon is lost.  “I’ve got dozens of molds already made,” exclaimed the winsome Winick.  “They just never seem to place my protective cup in the right spot…”

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