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Staring today at a composite Berliners’ point total of 25.5 –the lowest total in USML history and 16 points behind the next-worst team– Berliners owner Jeffery Winick apologized to all League owners for his April 23rd trade of A-Rod and several other superstars for Alex Cora, Cliff Politte and Brandon “If Only He” Wood, a light-hitting banterweight unable to hit a ball out of the infield with a wooden bat. The deal essentially dismantled the already decimated Berliners.
Winick said after he left today’s medical situation, “Due to this trade, I feel very sorry for myself and, at the same time, very disappointed to have let Brad Jansen down. I will do my best to fully restock my team with even more prospects in order to field a ninth-place team again someday.”
Winick explained his reference to Riptorns CEO Jansen: “I believe in my heart that when Brad rejoined the League he did so with the hope, the expectation, my God — the Promise– that he’d enjoy and appreciate another great year by the Berliners. Now look what I’ve done to my team, and Brad’s hopes. Of course, I cannot help but note how ironic all this is, especially when I consider how brilliantly I duped Brad into joining the League by making him think he’d inherit a team better than mine, that my best keepers are guys Brad traded me: rising, brilliant stars like Adam Jones and Dustan McGowan…But I cannot let things like that bother me. I’m in last place and hell, no, I’m not happy. If my publishers learn of this I’m ruined. Please, all of you, keep this to yourselves. Deliver all hard drives to me at season’s end. I’ll reward each of you handsomely, perhaps with an autographed lithograph of me…”
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Yup, there’s a reason they call him the nicest man in baseball–except of course for Brad.
Mark
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