[Mark Blocker]

Rotisserie League Baseball book!!! Remember we used to buy those every year in the pre-internet ERA.

[Mark Blocker]

B is for beautiful…..nice work, Andy.

[Mark Blocker]

That sign must be on Third Street.

[Mark Blocker]

I am pretty sure it wasn’t accredited to begin with.

[Mark Blocker]

Dear Brad “General Motors” Jansen:

I will not give you a bailout to rescue your bankrupt comparisons. The difference between the prospects that reside on my team and the ones you have been hyping liking a Lil Wayne CD are that mine have not experienced a season of utter dismality (its a Colbert word; look it up). Here are some examples. Joba Chamberlain has posted consecutive excellent years, including a 2.60 ERA/1.26 ratio supported by more than a strikeout per inning. David Price also posted stellar numbers in an admittedly abbreviated major league campaign: 1.93 ERA and 0.93 ratio with close to 1K per inning. And our very own roto pundit Jeff Winick has already extolled the virtues of the mature Brian Matusz. And you did not even mention Matt Wieters!

So drive yourself back to Riptorn Central and stop bothering me with your vacant statistcal comparisons and needless attempts to pump-and-dump your young players.

Not A Congressman,

Mark B.

[Mark Blocker]

Brad:

Thank you kindly for your message, which actually made me chuckle. In the Post Riptorn-Dump part of the season (April 15 onward ?), we have not heard nearly as much from you as usual (insert here debate about whether that is a plus or minus). But please, must you lampoon one of my few remaining hobbies? Now that my limited roto skills make my team perennially non-competitive, I cannot reach the roto summits, so outdoor summits are all I have. And I can scrimp and save all I want, but that won’t allow me to buy enough help for draft day. And let me assure you that you will not see footage from our trip on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” or its sister-show, “The Shandler Arizona Fall League Conference/Gathering of Pixelated Roto Pundits.” My permit to climb Mt. Whitney cost $5 — about the same as the ice cream cone you are saving for — all of my water was free (no charge to dip your bottle in the streams), and what few groceries I brought fit into one small shopping bag purchased from a run-down store in the heart of Death Valley and returned change from my $20. And keep in mind, I am not driving to the summit — this is old-fashioned leg power, available for far less than the $5/gallon that you spend to keep refueling that 2008 SUV of yours. So next time, please grab a backpack and we can look together for this Path to Righteousness of which you speak…

— Mark B.

P.S. The guys I traded to Rich, while valuable to a contender, have contract status “FA,” not Y2 with a $2 keeper salary, so be careful not to cast stones from your glass house!

[Mark Blocker]

Jeff:

I am disappointed to see more hurtful e-mails from you. Surely you must have more important and worldly pursuits to occupy your time. You leave me with no choice but to begin to reveal some of the results of my thorough investigation into your roto practices. In combing through your garbage, my crack team of investigators unearthed the following snippet from what appears to be a Berliner internal team memo:

“List of Jokes I Can Think Of To Inclue in USML E-mails

1. Blocker always finishes fifth (not really true, but just keep saying it)
2. Throw in references to Joey Gathright
3. Thats all.

Alternate strategy: If pressed, spew babble from Shandler and if attacked, remind people I AM SHANDLER’S LAWYER; that should do it.

Note to self: I’ve got to come up with some new ones.”

Jeff, it pains me to reveal these personal secrets of your life, but you leave me no choice. Please, cease and desist in your constant attacks. Peace.

— Sadly in Eighth, Mark B.

[Mark Blocker]

Jeff,

You have hurt me deeply, suggesting that I have at any point begun to act on Brad’s behalf. What next — accusing me of writing like him? While you may poke fun at me and my languishing squad of underachievers, I will not tolerate attacks on my friend and Roto Genius Emeritus Bradlee Jansen. He has done nothing to deserve these sort of vituperative attacks, and certainly has done nothing to be included in your sardonic e-mails that contain thinly veiled references to the solitary year of the 18 years thus far in which my team finished four places behind the winner. Now get thee to a confessional, Tribe membership notwithstanding, and acknowledge your sins. I must go now, for the cause of the COPS cannot be derailed by Brandon-Wood-toting nonmembers.

— Deeply bereaved, Mark B.

P.S. In honor of your trade, should Brandon Wood henceforth be known as “Wood-rod”?

[Mark Blocker]

Aye. Besides, it will give Andy something to do this year.

[Mark Blocker]

It was Yogi that said you can observe a lot by watching. (My favorite: I don’t want to make the wrong mistake).

[Author]

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